Relationships
How we chose to interact with those around us will change as we move around the Medicine Wheel. What we require of these interactions will change as our perspective on the life we are living is altered by the new realities we come to know. There will, of course, always be interactions that do not significantly change such as those with the teller at the bank or the store clerk, but the ones we are referring to here are the ones we choose, believing they will be useful in furthering the journey we are on.
The South
Relationships in the South are simple to understand but infinite in the form they may take. Because we believe that our happiness is dependent on our circumstances conforming to a way we desire them to be, relationships are always about these circumstances. We interact with someone because they have something we desire, and obtaining this thing is where we believe our happiness lies. We believe this because the happiness we are searching for has always been synonymous with the attainment of something strongly desired. And the stronger the desire, the more intense the happiness experienced. Of course, these are only moments of happiness because they are not connected to the thing we attained but rather the lack of the desire to attain them. And this experience can only continue until something undesirable shows up to create a new moment of wanting it to be different than it is. But despite the momentary nature of these experiences, we continue our search for them because our model of how this all works would suggest that all we can hope for are these moments.
In the South, all encounters with other individuals occur because of our belief that there is something to be gained by this encounter. They posses material things we desire or the means by which we can acquire them. They are willing to give us access to their physical bodies for our own sensual gratification. We see them as a source of information and knowledge that could be helpful in our never ending need to alter our circumstances. They provide support for our emotional and psychological needs stemming from our constantly changing sense of self. They represent a means to fulfilling a biological imperative to procreate and build a family unit. They mitigate the feeling of loneliness that is an unavoidable consequence of the sense of separateness into which we are born. Or perhaps they represent that rare phenomenon we like to call “love at first sight”. This is a situation where the energies at work causing us to be drawn to another individual are so overwhelming that the idea of choosing or not choosing for this to happen does not exist. Despite any consequences that may accompany this interaction, we are powerless to do anything but watch it unfold. It is as if the universe knows that this needs to happen, so it eliminates the real possibility that we might actually choose to not allow it to happen to avoid imagined undesirable consequences.
Whatever the reason for interacting, these situations are always problematic because they involve another person who has their own list of things to be gained, and our getting what we want requires that they also get what they want. We find ourselves constantly enmeshed in having to deal with the karmic consequences of agreeing to the demands of another as a means of attaining what we thought we needed to experience that illusive moment of happiness. And even when what they have to offer remains desirable, it will eventually lose its appeal as what was once exotic becomes familiar from too many visitations.
The tendency at this point, of course, is to disengage from this relationship and look elsewhere for what is desirable. But this does not take into account the desire to not only make things the way you want them to be but to also keep things from becoming a way that you do not want them to be. A classic example of this is a marriage that, if dissolved, would mean losing the house and half the money you have in the bank. The desire to not experience this reality can result in maintaining this relationship that no longer gives you what you want, to avoid getting what you don’t want until the balance shifts and not getting what you want becomes more painful than getting what you don’t want.
And so it goes in the South until you finally become disillusioned by the momentary nature of these experiences you are seeking and tired of the suffering when they are not there. If you are one of those who cannot see or believe in any other reality, then you settle into relationships that are more about avoiding the undesirable than obtaining the desirable until the journey is done. But if you are meant to continue the journey around the Wheel, then an encounter with the transcendent will occur suggesting your model of what’s possible in this life was incorrect and the search for a new model begins.
The West
Real change does not happen overnight. It is a slow process of living your life one moment to the next with as much presence of mind as possible so that this new perspective you have gained can begin to bear fruit. The world around you, including the relationships you have established, does not change simply because you have changed. And while relationships are still about creating the circumstances we desire, what we desire has changed from wanting it to be a certain way to wanting to understand why it matters that it be a certain way. In the beginning, this means finding information relevant to this dilemma in which we find ourselves. The existing relationships in our lives continue, but take a back seat to this urgent need to understand what this life we are living is all about. Our free time becomes consumed by maps and writings left behind by those who have, or are making, this same journey. Or, if we are lucky, teachers who can instruct us along the way.
In this scenario, our existing relationships are bound to change. They will change partly because these individuals do not share our new perspective on life, and this eliminates the possibility of relevant interactions occurring, resulting in a lack of support for this new direction that our lives have taken. But they will also change because the desire on our part to participate in activities they still find desirable will be substantially diminished. And they will not understand why this is happening, and perhaps take it as an affront to their own lifestyles. If they suggest we share an experience with them that in the past we would have readily agreed to and we decline to do so, they will not understand why we would do this, and we won’t be able to explain in a way that will make any sense to them. This does not mean that we will always decline these offers because there is still in us the desire for even moments of not wanting it to be different than it is. And the suffering we experience when the moment is gone is the grist for the mill needed, if we are to figure this puzzle out. But as our journey in the West continues, we will find ourselves increasingly intolerant of situations not directly connected to this journey and old relationships will dissolve from this lack of participation.
As old relationships fall away and new ones become harder to find, we will find ourselves having to deal with a lot more alone time in our lives. This will either be a blessing or a curse depending on how serious we are about this new journey. If we are serious, then we will welcome this free time as a way of delving deeper into the maps and readings we discover along the way. But, if we are not serious, then we will experience this free time as loneliness, and the desire for this unpleasant experience to be gone will cause us to once again engage in these old relationships until we are ready to be done with them.
There is no rush in the beginning. How long this journey in the West will take is totally dependent on the potential you were born with and the circumstances into which you were born. If you are born with enough potential and in a favorable place, then the relationships needed to cultivate this potential will just be there and the journey can move forward. If not, then the journey may cause us to struggle with how difficult it is or to relocate to more favorable circumstances where we can cultivate relationships that will support this journey.
And there is one last aspect to this journey that will become even more evident as we move into the North on the Wheel. As with any powerful desire, the closer we get to fulfilling it, the more intolerable it becomes that we are not already there. The closer we get, the more suffering we experience. In terms of the journey, this is a good thing because we become highly motivated to be done already and this makes the obstacles less formidable. But it is problematic in terms of our existing relationships, because we will appear to be very self centered and our tolerance for those things not connected to the journey will become nonexistent. We won’t be able to totally eliminate these interactions because our survival necessitates some of them continuing, but we will find ourselves very much alone, aside from these interactions, and this is actually appropriate because what we need to accomplish in the North must be done by ourselves.
Depending on the nature of your own particular journey, some relationships may continue up until the moment you move into the North on the Wheel, because they continue to be your grist for the mill. Our journey in the West is about observing the world around us from new perspectives we have gained through our study of the maps and teachings we have encountered, bringing us to a new understanding of how this all works. Eventually, we will come to the realization that it is all working in a lawful and predetermined way governed by whatever energies are in play at any given moment, and we are simply a part of this unfolding. In this new reality, there is no us as a doer separate from all we see. Leading us to the question ” If I am not that, then what am I?”. Any getting to this point always involves suffering because it is through our desire to not be suffering that we come to know that the experience is self inflicted. And this intense suffering can come to us in the form of an individual we are very close to who decides to do something we very much desire them not to do. This scenario, along with some way to access the unfiltered part of our brain, could potentially be our way into the North.
The North
Who am I? Where did I begin and where do I end? The final question on our journey to the top of this mountain and nobody can help us with the answer because nobody is us. This vantage point we call “I” that looks out on the world from this body we identify with only exists within our own mind. And solving this riddle can only take place in this same mind. The only relationship that exists here is the one between you and everything not you. And if the time is right, then the top is reached and the illusion falls away and our journey is finished.
The East
The East on the Wheel may or may not involve relationships depending on whether or not our physical bodies continue to function. While self realization does mean the death of the ego, this death and the death of the body are not necessarily the same thing. For some, the body continues to function because the universe requires the input these individuals represent to further our evolution. Like the Buddha, these individuals offer us proof that this mountain is actually climbable, and maps to show us the way based on their own journey to the top. And any relationships we may have with these individuals can only be about this journey because they are not and cannot be about anything else. There is literally nobody home. The personality is still there because this is how the body manifests itself, but there is no sense of separateness or desire for it to be different than it is. One way of recognizing these individuals is by their profound lack of interest in worldly affairs and the seeming boredom they exhibit when circumstances put them in these situations. They understand that it does not matter what you do in the world, because all moments are potentially transformative moments if you are looking at them in the right way. It’s in helping us to alter our perception in this transformative way that they are of value, and this can only happen if we are actually serious about climbing this mountain and open to what they have to offer. And they will not come to us seeking these encounters because there is no desire for these to occur. And they understand that the only way to know something needs to happen is if it does happen.
If you are in the East, relationships will either happen or not happen and either scenario is alright with you. There is no longer a separate you wanting things to be a certain way. There is just a guide waiting on the mountain for a climber to appear, looking for any help they can find to get to the top before time runs out.
Marriage